Guardians Of The Galaxy

For another lump of coal in your Christmas Stocking, check out GotGINO* #22.  Actually, it’s more like a hot potato than a lump of coal as Bendys spends the entire issue playing hot potato with Venom’s symbiote.

I know Bendys and his easily pleased fanboys think it’s just madcap fun to have the symbiote jump from Guardian to Guardian.  Actually, it’s just tiresome and silly.  Bendis has reduced the Guardians to a bunch of bumbling buffoons, stumbling their way through every relatively minor situation they encounter and making some implausibly bad decisions along the way.  I blame Marvel for pulling good writers from this book and putting Bendys on it – but we are getting exactly what we expected from Bendis – a bad Seinfeldification of the once great concepts.  Literally, a comic book about nothing.  The real culprits here are the fanboys who keep buying this lame attempt at a space-based situation comedy – and its sister books, LSINO and RRINO, books that have also have adopted the bad sit-com formula and in the case of RRINO, mixed in some Looney Tunes concepts.

At least Seinfeld took the mundane aspects of everyday life and made them interesting and funny.  Bendis has taken the once great GotG team who single-handedly faced and overcame universal threats – and turned them into inexplicably Earth-obsessed Avengers-Lite who, for some stupid reason, take their marching orders from The Avengers and always have to have an Avenger or two on the team.  How dumb is all that?  Pretty dumb.

And the Avengers chosen?  CMINO, Carol Danvers, who came across as a weepy, whiny, and inexplicably homesick female cliché in this month’s utterly forgettable Bendys-written GotGINO annual.  Really?  She’s homesick?  Like she’s never before been to space?  Like she’s really that desperate for a hug?  Like she’s not a high-ranking military officer and seasoned warrior?  Seriously Bendys, that’s not only bad writing – it’s an insult to women.  In this issue she’s inexplicably doing security duty on Knowhere?  Isn’t that Cosmo’s job?  Bendis’ lack of familiarity with the cosmic characters always manages to rear its ugly, shiny head. 

Venom on the team?  It’s time to start questioning SLINO’s leadership.  Why would “Starlord” allow The Avengers to make Venom The Guardians’ problem?  That’s not the true Starlord of old.  It’s not even James Gunn’s watered down “sociopath with a heart of gold SL.”  That’s just the bumbling idiot into which Bendys has morphed SL – essentially, Starlord in Name Only.

Bendis’ new storyline has Spartax trying to replace the deposed J’Son (aka, “Mr. Knife,” the most ridiculously named pseudo-villain in quite some time) with SLINO.  Hold on to your seats and grab some Pepto-Bismol!  I predict more “madcap fun” is in the offing – no doubt replete with enough misunderstandings and slapstick to bring a nostalgic tear to the eye of all the now retired writers of the old sit-com, Three’s Company.

Bendys just can’t seem to get the characterization right for any of this cast.  Drax is unrecognizable.  Bendis just kind of uses him as a punching bag and has dropped the bad-ass belligerent attitude that Giffen created and honed to perfection.   Rocket is no longer a tactician, and Groot is no longer brilliant or powerful.  They’re just around for comic relief.  Gamora is less “The Most Dangerous Woman in the Universe” and more a damsel in distress.  Congratulations, Bendys!  You’ve done what you do best and totally demolished all the concepts that once made GotG a great read by taking the cliché-breaking characters of the past and reducing them to comic book clichés.

At least the art and coloring are easy on the eyes.  Schiti has grown into producing decent quality cosmic art, and Keith’s colors are spot-on.

So do cosmic fandom a favor and leave this one on the shelf.  Marvel needs to be sent a clear message that cosmic is not a code-word for bad situation comedy.

*Guardians of the Galaxy In Name Only

I admit that I had my doubts about this book after reading the preview of it in the GotGINO anniversary issue.  I also had my doubts that the classic team could provide grist for interesting stories.  I’m overjoyed to say that my doubts have been allayed with the publication of this issue.

Welcome to Marvel’s one and only truly cosmic comic book.  It goes to show you what a writer with true science-fiction street cred can produce.

It’s simply gravy to know that Brevoort and Alonso (hereinafter referred to as “Bonso”) are surprised, puzzled, and/or annoyed by the success of this book.  They seem invested in thinking that the key to cosmic success is silly, campy, jokey, juvenile tripe (like Duggan’s NINO and Bendys’* GotGINO) rather than the serious, para-military science-fiction of Volume IV of Nova, Volume II of GotG, and now, Guardians 3000.  It makes me happy to see Bonso proved wrong – and I’m happy frequently as they are wrong so very often.

Abnett weaves a fascinating “timey-wimey” tale – breathing new life into the time-causality-loop story trope with introduction of new character, Geena, who can “sense time structure.”  Abnett does what a good SF writer does best – extrapolates from the present to build a plausible future.  In this case, he takes the present Marvel Universe and builds a future where Stark tech is apparently co-opted by the Badoon invaders and used for terribly wrong purposes. 

Abnett also shines by giving each of the Guardians a distinct voice and characterization.  Each Guardian has an important role to play, they work together as a fighting team, they face important problems, and they effectively solve said problems.  They’re slang is made part of their natural communication and the situations they find themselves in aren’t played for cheap laughs.  There’s plenty of action and adventure with high stakes consequences at the end of the day.  And, best of all, they’re not obsessed with or beholden to The Avengers or any future iteration or remnant of The Avengers.

Contrast that with Bendys’* current absolutely dreadful Guardians of the Galaxy (in Name Only) Volume III – and you’ll see how Bendis comes up lacking.  Like I said – it’s the difference between Abnett – a skilled writer with SF street cred – and Bendys, a frustrated sit-com writer wannabe.

The only downside to G3000 is the art.  Sadly, while Sandoval is a good artist and his style would be appropriate for another type of book, it is not right for G3000.  A more photo-realistic approach works better for SF comics – and unfortunately Sandoval’s depictions are often too abstract.  His focus on using teeth and grimacing to convey emotion and action is jarring at times – not to mention a way over-used technique.  The exaggerated body proportions are also both jarring and disappointingly unattractive.  Delgado does his best to soften Sandoval’s extremes with color and shading, but at the end of the day many are going to be turned off by the art and sadly, this may affect sales negatively.

It literally doesn’t get any better for Marvel Cosmic than this – because this is Marvel’s one and only true cosmic book at present.  I hope every cosmic fan will leave NINO, GotGINO, LSINO, and RRINO on the shelf and instead buy multiple copies of G3000 with the money they save as G3000 deserves our whole-hearted support and encouragement.  And as an added bonus, we get to frustrate Bonso by making G3000 a success and their favored tripe the failure it deserves to be.

Next issue sees the premiere of the Worldmind-connected Nova Prime of the G3000 era, an apparent descendant of one of the Rider men and Irani Rael.  If for no other reason, I call on all true Nova fans to support this book to spite Bonso.

*Bendis’ name will be deliberately randomly misspelled throughout this article in blatant mockery of his random misspelling of “Rider” in GotGINO #20.

Since when is Star-Lord so clumsy and un-skilled with the ladies?  Oh yeah – since Bendys* has been providing what passes for the writing of this book.  It’s embarrassingly bad, really.  Star-Lord was NEVER like this until Bendis got his greedy little paws on the character.  Even Gunn didn’t mangle the characterization as badly for the movie.  Humphries makes it even worse in his LSL book.  I know the zombies who are keeping the sales of this book at acceptable levels have a high tolerance for cringe-worthy writing, but really.

This whole Star-Lord and Kitty long-distance romance was ill-conceived from the start.  But with Bendis being the prince of ill-conceived ideas, who could be surprised.  Star-Lord should be about Bendys’ age and Kitty is what – early 20’s?  Hmmmm – something you’re trying to work out, Bendys?  Mid-life crisis, maybe?

Bendys pulls out all the stops for this book with the bad situation comedy writing – even resorting to bathroom humor when Drax says he is late for a fight because he was busy taking a dump.  Is that even funny?  Maybe if you’re under the age of 9 – but funny to the actual demographic buying this book? I certainly hope not.  And I don’t recognize this Drax.  It’s certainly not Giffen’s Drax, or the classic Drax, or Infinity Watch’s brain-damaged Drax, or even Gunn’s dunder-head Drax.   This Drax is some weird combination that is an inconsistent amalgam of all of the above and also inferior to all the above – especially the classic Drax and Giffen Drax iterations.  One can only read this inferior characterization of Drax, shake one’s head, and mutter “Bendys.”

And why do the Avengers have ANYTHING to say about the activities of the Guardians?  Why do the Avengers have to have a representative with the Guardians at all times?  Why would the representative be Venom?  Isn’t making Venom the representative just asking for trouble?  And why would the Guardians accept that?  Why are the Guardians portrayed as so weak and barely able to deal with the most mundane of problems – when in the past they single-handedly dealt with universe-level threats?  Shake your head and mutter, “Bendis,” once again.

On the up side, the art and coloring are much improved from recent past issues.  Schiti is growing into his depiction of the space-based environment, and Keith’s colors are the perfect complement.  Once again, the art is the only saving grace of Bendys’ entire miserable mangling of this once great concept.

So – do yourself a favor and leave this one on the shelf.  Instead, buy the classic TPB’s of Star-Lord, the Annihilation Omnibus – or Marvel’s one true cosmic book, Guardians 3000.  You’ll be glad you took my advice.

*Bendis’ name will be randomly misspelled throughout the course of this article in blatant mockery of his random misspelling of “Rider” in GotGINO #20.

It appears that Bendis has not read the history of the Nova concepts in general or The Thanos Imperative in particular.  Or he did – and he just doesn’t care enough about the Rider character or his fans to make the effort to get anything right.  Either way, he knows that zombies buy brands, and

It’s no secret that I think Bendis’ run on this title has been a disaster for the concepts and characters. He may be the “go to guy” for street level stories, but he’s “lost in space.”

Leave it to Bendis to stage a throw down in the collapsing Cancerverse between Thanos, Drax, (the real) Nova, Star-Lord, and the Revengers – have it illustrated by one of the best artists in the business complete with a strikingly compelling cover (that has nothing to do with the story, of course), and then have the story be so boring and so filled with continuity errors and mis-characterizations of the lead characters that the astute cosmic reader will be left feeling some strange combination of indignation, irritability, frustration, and disappointment.

Do you think Bendis actually read and understood The Thanos Imperative before he wrote this story arc?  I think he just read the “Cliff’s Notes” version of it.  Then he either misunderstood and/or promptly forgot even that and just wrote whatever the hell he wanted in order to sling out this story so he could devote more time to X-Men .  This story (and Bendis’ entire run on this title) reads like it’s written by a guy who doesn’t really understand cosmic, doesn’t really like cosmic, doesn’t care enough to even try to get it right, and is really just doing it to cash in on the expected sales from the movie hype.

How come E-Vell isn’t all powerful and leading The Revengers? Why is E-Vell now a lackey? How is E-Vell even alive again since death killed him, entered the Cancerverse, and is busy destroying the Cancerverse? How are The  Revengers alive again? With death functioning in the Cancerverse once again, how do any of these characters keep resurrecting? You can bet none of these inconvenient continuity questions will be answered as it would take too much time away from the inane banter among the characters that Bendis just loves to shoehorn into every issue.  Hey Bendis – are you a frustrated sit-com writer wannabe?  It’s sure coming across that way.

Who are Thanos and Drax? Especially Drax. I’ve never seen Drax talk and act like he does in this issue. Modern Drax is a Wolverine-ish, non-sentimental, bad-ass. He wouldn’t be holding Quill’s body in his arms and lamenting his loss. He wouldn’t be working with Thanos either. If he was anywhere close to Thanos, he’d be trying to kill him. I was almost embarrassed for Drax – the way Bendis has diminished him. And Thanos? I was actually embarrassed for him. Bendis has diminished him to the level of being the butt of the joke.

In contrast to last issue, Bendis writes Quill as the 20-something-year-old doofus he’s been writing since the lamentable day he took over this title. At least he shows how Quill became a decade younger.

Of course, as we all feared, Bendis saves the worst treatment for Nova. I mean the REAL Nova, Richard Rider, of course – not Loeb’s NINO. After all, Bendis has to pave the way for NINO with this story. Rich is portrayed out of character and much weaker than he should have been.  He is shown having his arm sliced off by Revenger Cap’s shield. Sorry. Not going to happen. The Nova Prime should shrug that hit off with barely a notice that he had even been hit. But that’s Bendis’ lazy storytelling and his determination to humiliate the character and flip the real Nova’s fan base the bird once again. I’m sure Bendis will conveniently ignore Nova’s regenerative ability. He’s kind of telegraphed that he will in Quill’s dialogue.

Not to mention that Revenger Cap is shown holding his original pointed shield – and Nova’s arm is shown being sliced off by a round shield. Now there’s some editing worthy of Stephen Wacker. Did Wacker come back to edit this issue? That has to be the explanation.

You know – it shows that even in an alternate universe, Bendis has to make the “Avenger-ish” characters all powerful. He can’t keep himself from doing it. He’s made the Guardians the Avengers lackeys since the deplorable day he took over this title.  Makes you think he’d rather be writing The Avengers, doesn’t it? I sure wish he’d go back to The Avengers and leave cosmic alone.

Gamora and Quill continue to be written out of character in their scenes where they argue about what happened in the Cancerverse. I’m not sure why Gamora keeps accusing Quill of lying or why Quill has kept any of this a secret. I suppose Bendis is saving the horror of those reveals for the next issue. I dread reading how Bendis will disrespect the REAL Nova and his fans one last time.

This issue is just one long, disappointing game of “keep away” using the Cosmic Cube as the prize. Truth is, this whole story of playing “keep away” with The Cosmic Cube is just dumb. Nova has The Worldmind inside of him. I’m sure The Worldmind would know exactly how to use the Cube to get back to the 616 Universe. Thanos was never needed for that task and it could’ve been accomplished immediately – stranding Thanos and not requiring Quill and Rich to sacrifice themselves. Bendis completely ignores the Worldmind’s presence, of course, as that would create a problem for his weak and poorly crafted storyline. But I’m sure all the Marvel Zombies and Bendis apologists will ignore the weaknesses and continuity errors and instead will take to Facebook and insist that this story was outstanding – just as they do for all Bendis products.

In summary, don’t let the striking, compelling cover of this issue fool you. It’s the perfect Wal-Mart-ish product – looks good on the outside, but don’t look closely on the inside or you’ll find that it’s shoddy, cheap, and most likely toxic.

This independent reporter was invited to interview writer, Brian M. Bendis, in regard to Issue #18 of GotGINO (Guardians of the Galaxy In Name Only). Mr. Bendis insisted that the interview take place at the headquarters of Comic Book Resources. This reporter arrived at CBR at the designated time and was promptly escorted to a room containing a full size replica of the Game of Thrones’ Iron Throne placed high upon a dais with no visible staircase. A bell rang, and CBR’s staff of comic book reviewers and forum moderators rushed into the room to form a human staircase leading up to the throne. Bendis’ Chancellor, the one-eyed hunchback known as Jonah, slowly ascended the human staircase to stand behind and to the right of the throne beside a small table containing a vial. A trumpet sounded, and Bendis rushed in from a side door, rapidly ascended the human staircase, and plopped down upon the throne. He looked at Jonah and nodded affirmatively. Jonah picked up the vial – now clearly seen to be labelled ‘Rogain’ – squirted some of its content into his hands, and began giving Bendis a slow scalp massage. The human staircase of CBR comic book reviewers and CBR forum moderators then dispersed – bowing to Bendis, surrounding the Iron Throne, and hissing at this reporter.

Jonah: [frowning at TL] It is customary to bow in the presence of the Master.

TL: He’s not my master, and my people don’t bow.

Jonah: [strong look of disapproval on his face, yells] You are not among your people now!

TL: Just the same, we don’t bow.

Jonah: [falls to his knees before Bendis] Master! Please allow me to ban this filthy infidel as we do all filthy infidels who refuse to conform to our worship of you and your company! Or, if it please you, allow me to subject him to all the insults regularly directed toward him by all your sycophants who frequent our forums! I beseech thee!

BMB: [waves his had dismissively] Nay. A King must be merciful and forgiving. I grant him Pardon for these and all other offenses against the Crown and the Realm. But pray, Jonah, while kneeling shine my shoes. As always, their luster must exceed that of my head’s luster to draw attention from it. Now send in my fool so that we may begin with some entertainment.

Jonah: [Nods to a guard at the side door. Begins shining shoes. The side door opens and Tom Brevoort runs out holding three juggling pins. He fumbles the pins, trips over his duster and falls to the floor knocking himself out. His funny brown hat falls off and a half-eaten Egg McMuffin rolls from underneath it. The whole room laughs as he is carried back through the door].

TL: [laughing] Thanks, Bendis. That was funny.

BMB: Come back on Wednesday to see my Chief Fool, Wacker, perform.

TL: I may take you up on that. I’d like to begin by asking you a few questions about GotGINO #18. I notice that you don’t make spelling mistakes with headliner characters – so we don’t see mis-spells like ‘Toney Starke’ or ‘Thore’ or ‘Steve Rodgers’ in your books. Yet, you’ve consistently mis-spelled Rich Rider’s name as ‘Ryder.’ Do you have some sort of intermittent dyslexia or do you just not care enough to get it right?

Jonah: [stops shining shoes, jumps to his feet, a look of outrage on his face; the hissing of the CBR forum moderators and comic book reviewers increases in volume to near deafening levels; Jonah points accusatorily at TL and thunderously yells] Hold, peasant! You will NOT question the Master’s infallibility! Guards! Seize the heretic!

BMB: [raises his hand to the approaching guards] Hold! [to the CBR moderators/reviewers] Silence! [to Jonah] Resume polishing. The un-believer has been given an audience, and the ways of his people are different than ours. We shall tolerate his heresy by and by.

Jonah: [shoots TL a look of pure hatred; bows to BMB] Yes, Master. Do you mean for me to polish your shoes or your head?

BMB: My head.

Jonah: [retrieves a chamois cloth from his pocket, sprinkles Rogaine onto it, begins buffing BMB’s head]

TL: In a recent interview, you blame DnA for killing Rich Rider in an apparent attempt to deflect blame for whatever you’re going to do in GotGINO #18. Yet, DnA have been quoted in an interview in which I served as a questioner that they in fact did not kill Rich – just marooned him in the Cancerverse until their book was returned from what was then termed a ‘hiatus.’ Only later did we learn that in Marvel-speak the word ‘hiatus’ meant ‘cancelled’ despite Quesada, and more recently, Marvel Editor Bill Rosemann, saying that Rich’s book had solid sales numbers — as did Volume II of GotG. Care to come clean and admit that Rich’s ‘death’ is just an editorial ret-con to make room for Loeb’s awful NINO, and the garbage that Wacker spouts about sales being responsible for Volume II GotG being cancelled is also a lie? You guys just wanted to cash in on the expected surge in sales for cosmic coming from the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, right?

Jonah: [the hissing of the CBR moderators/reviewers again increases in volume; Jonah whines] Master, how much must we abide? Let me at least ban the infidel heretic.

BMB: Nay. I wilst clearest this matter upest. I say again unto you, heretic, that all is the fault of DnA.

TL: I guess next you’ll be blaming Moon Knight on them.

BMB: [eyes narrow] Just so. DnA told me to write Moon Knight that way. Yeah. That’s right. They made me write Moon Knight that way. Abnett tied me to a chair and Lanning pistol whipped me until I agreed to sign my name to their treatment of Moon Knight. Yeah. That’s the ticket. So, once again, it was DnA’s fault.

TL: And Secret Invasion?

BMB: The fault of DnA.

TL: Of course.

BMB: I do tire of this line of questioning. I much prefer the soft-ball questions and flattery of IGN or CBR. Jonah, show the heretic out.

Jonah: [CBR Moderators/Reviewers form another human staircase; Jonah decends; points to the door] This way, filthy infidel.

TL: [turns to leave; then darkness]

TL: I awoke tied to a chair in a sub-basement of CBR HQ. Other political prisoners were tied up next to me. We were subjected to terrible torture – including power-point presentations of every issue of NINO and GotGINO with commentary from Loeb and Bendis; daily recitations from Brevoort’s Tumblr page; and screenings of every episode of Loeb’s and Wacker’s Ultimate Spiderman, Hulk and the Agents of SMASH, and Avengers cartoons. Just as we were about to give up hope, we were rescued by a Commando Team led by Stingerman, dmills, Kalen Rann, MysterioHelmet, MBond, Sephiroth89, Twinkfist, and NovaSpaceKnightBetaReyX51. To this brave Commando Team, we former political prisoners are forever grateful. Unfortunately, TL’s recordings of this interview were not recovered during the initial rescue. They were recovered at a later time by Bothan Spies. Many Bothan Spies gave their lives to bring you this interview. I hope you enjoyed it. –TL

*Special thanks to MBond for the inspiration for the spelling joke.

Note:  This is an article in a series of satirical/parody Opinion-Editorial type articles and reviews of GotGINO and NINO.  If you’re a GotGINO, NINO, or Bendis fan; you’re probably not going to like it.  So, spare yourself the upset, stop reading right now, and go on over to CBR to read any article heaping un-deserved praise upon NINO, GotGINO, Bendis, etc.  You have been warned.  Proceed at your own risk of outrage – and don’t whine about it on the forums or on Facebook if this article presents views radically different than yours. You have been warned.

In the Bendis-written portion of this issue of Avengers Re-packaged…..er…..I mean, GotGINO (Guardians of the Galaxy In Name Only), we drop in on a bored, horny, lovelorn Star-Lord lying in his bunk lost in a pity-party over his love life and letting his entire world fall apart around him.  Tell me Star-Lord fans, does this sound like the Peter Quill you know and admire?  Never let it be said that Bendis lets continuity, consistent characterization, or (especially) plausibility get in his way.

It gets worse.

Quill is fantasizing about Kitty Pryde who would be about half his age if Marvel hadn’t somehow regressed Quill in age from his late 30’s-early 40’s to 21.  Now this has to be one of the dumbest hook-ups in comic book history, and obviously done purely to try to capture some X-zombie dollars.  Anyway – his self-indulgent negligence allows daddy’s Imperial forces to capture him, Rocket, and Groot, which paves the way for Bendis to again pull out the hackneyed daddy issues and have Quill and Jason tell each other how disappointed they are in each other.  Yawn.

Venom is shoe-horned onto the team with no real explanation in an obvious attempt to capture some Spider-zombie dollars.  Drax is way too easily captured by the Shi’Ar.  Gamora is  – again – way too easily bested by the lame bounty hunter who bested her a few issues back.  And then Captain Ms. Marvel is shoe-horned onto the team in an obvious attempt to capture some Avengers-zombie dollars.  I’ll say this much for Bendis, he doesn’t miss a chance to capitalize on the zombie virus.  He’s already hit the Avengers-virus (multiple times), the Spider-virus, and the X-virus (multiple times).  What’s next?  Deadpool, Wolverine, The Thing, or one of the Hulk family on the team?  I’d bet good money on it.

The Bendis portion of this faux-100^th-issue-Anniversary of GotGINO is a disjointed mess that accomplishes exactly what Alonso and Brevoort set out to accomplish.  When they say there is no more Marvel Cosmic – only the Marvel Universe – they mean that everything must be reduced to Earth-centric, street-level dramatic, derivative super-heroic fantasy.   Congratulations Bendis and Bonso (Axel Alonso and Tom Brevoort) – you’ve succeeded in removing everything that was unique and special about Marvel Cosmic – and replaced it with forgettable, generic tripe.

The Lanning-written portion of this issue is probably the highlight.  It chronicles young Groot’s early childhood and escape from Planet X.  It is cleverly written and entertaining, but is quite brief. 

Abnett’s portion is essentially a brief introduction to the original Guardians of the Galaxy for those unfamiliar with the original team.  The story is just a little skirmish to introduce the freedom fighters to those unfamiliar with Guardians of the Galaxy history. It was great to see Major Victory and his team once again, but for those of us familiar with that version of the team, it felt un-necessary.  Perhaps if Abnett had been given much more space and freedom to write, we would have gotten a real adventure featuring the classic team, and that would’ve been quite welcome.

When I say Abnett’s and Lanning’s portions are brief – I do mean brief – as in over in a few pages.  Apparently, the editors wouldn’t let Lanning or Abnett near the team concept of this book for (realistic) fear of them overshadowing Bendis.  So they were stuck with doing brief background on one character or on the history of the original concept.

The art and coloring are certainly acceptable across all three stories, but there’s really little else to be said about that aspect of this book.  It’s nothing about which to either rave or complain.

In summary, the Lanning and Abnett portions vastly overshadowed Bendis’ phoned-in effort, but their portions were way too brief and editorially constrained.  Even Abnett and Lanning can’t turn this book around from the nose-dive into the ground course set by Bendis and Bonso.  Save your money and leave this one on the shelf.

Rejoice my friends and all hail the antithesis of Bendis!

Hey Bendis – you paying attention? Ignore all the Marvel hype about you and attend DnA’s master class about how to write a good cosmic comic book. Same to you, Brevoort and Alonso (hereinafter referred to as “Bonso“).

Mind you – this is not the Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy Volume II. Nor is it any other Gamora comic book incarnation – especially (Blessedly! Thankfully!) not the Bendis-fied cardboard cut-out GotGINO version of Gamora wearing the trademark GotGINO cheap Japanese anime “costume.” This is the Marvel Cinematic Universe version of Gamora, and for the first time since Bonso decided to fire DnA for DnA’s success in creating an innovative new property that defined itself by defying super-hero cliches, I feel like we have a Gamora that is finally back in recognizable character. If this book is any indication of the quality of the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy movie, we have a great deal to look forward to when the movie is released this fall.

DnA’s Guardians of the Galaxy was basically a science-fiction version of The Dirty Dozen. It was para-military science-fiction which respected the characters, gave each a defining role and voice, and took the subject matter seriously. The characters were not meta-humans, but were instead characters who possessed abilities greater than those of humans because of having evolved on planets other than Earth. In other words, it was respectable science-fiction, and while it represented a change for the characters/concept – it was a change for the better. In contrast, Bendis and Bonso deliberately decided to simultaneously super-hero up and dumb down the team. GotGINO abounds with super-hero team cliches, the characters have lost their defining roles/voices and have been reduced to generic and interchangeable roles/voices just like any Avengers or X team you care to name, and perhaps most egregiously – the entire concept has been reduced to the level of farce with Rocket and Groot just around to shout catch-phrases, make lame jokes, and perform “zany antics” which would be right at home in any Looney Tunes cartoon. DnA created a powerful team full of interesting characters who were capable of addressing universal threats. Bendis and Bonso reduced said team to a sad, 3rd-rate, Avengers-wanna-be team that is a shadow of its former self and deliberately portrayed as weaker than and subordinate to any of the (way too many) Avengers or X Teams you care to name. DnA talked up to their readers. Bendis and Bonso talk down to theirs. DnA’s version was a change for the better. Bendis‘ and Bonso’s version is a change for the worse.

I’m happy to say the the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s Gamora draws her inspiration from DnA’s portrayal. In this prequel to the upcoming movie, we’re introduced to Gamora shortly after the events portrayed in the Thor: The Dark World teaser for Guardians of the Galaxy involving Sif and Volstagg delivering an Infinity Stone to The Collector. It seems The Collector has in mind collecting all the Infinity objects, and he manipulates Gamora into begrudgingly helping him. Along the way, Gamora, dressed (thankfully) in clothes reminiscent of her Volume II portrayal, proves exactly why she deserves the title of “The Most Dangerous Woman in the Galaxy.” At the end, we get a glimpse of Star-Lord, Yondu, Ronan, Rocket, Groot, and Thanos as portrayed in the upcoming movie to complete the whetting of our appetite for the movie.

Andrea DiVito returns to cosmic for this book, and his art is truly magnificent to behold. I’ve missed seeing his work, and his return is truly welcome. Villari turns in a great job on coloring.

If I had one criticism of this book it would be that it ended way too quickly. I was left really wanting more – and that’s a drastic and welcome departure from my reaction to each new issue of Bendis‘ GotGINO. Pick this book up and get your Bendis Antithesis today!

Yawn.

This issue of X-Men……er……..I mean, GotGINO (Guardians of the Galaxy In Name Only), is one enormous anti-climax (in every sense of the word) with a few lame jokes thrown in along the way.  And that about sums it up.  Seriously.  All that build-up, and then it’s over in a few panels after a minor scuffle and teenage Cyclops throwing around a few threats that he couldn’t possibly back up in his wildest dreams or at his most powerful. Plus, it’s so slow-paced and boring that if it could be bottled, it would be a miracle cure for insomnia.  For the life of me I can’t see why this crime against the Guardians of the Galaxy’s good name continues to sell well enough to keep it afloat.  Has to be the movie hype.  If Gunn and Feige are keeping track of the downward spiral this book is on in terms of writing, they have to be pulling out their hair in worry over a soured audience leading up to the movie’s premiere.

This issue epitomizes everything that’s wrong with Bendis’, Loeb’s/Duggan’s, Brevoort’s, and Alonso’s Marvel “Pseudo-Cosmic” Universe.  Under DnA, the Guardians were big players in an enormous truly cosmic universe.  Under Bendis/Brevoort et al, the Guardians are insignificant players in a tiny Earth-centric pseudo-to-non-cosmic “universe.” 

Case in point: This issue would have read exactly the same if the Guardians hadn’t appeared in a single panel.  They were incidental, throw-away, supporting characters to the X-Men.  The Guardians of the Galaxy really didn’t contribute anything important to the story.  In the single brief and boring fight, Rocket is used in cliché manner – just there to tote a big gun and talk some smack.  In the denouement, Rocket and Groot are used as the butt of some extraordinarily lame jokes that made me cringe and roll my eyes at the same time (i.e.  Groot attempts to put the moves on some non-sentient Earth trees; Rocket yells at some non-sentient Earth raccoons to “Put on some krutacking pants!”).  Basically, Bendis keeps Rocket and Groot around simply to provide lame comic relief and a chance to push Bendis’ made-up curse word, and both come across looking like idiots. Also in the denouement, Starlord – resplendent in his cheap-Japanese-anime-inspired “costume” (which he apparently stole from a Battle of the Planets character) – awkwardly (creepily – considering their true age difference) hits on Kitty Pryde.   The rest is all X-Men character development mixed with a bunch of smarmily sentimental dialogue flying back and forth between X-characters.  Totally boring unless you care about the X-characters, and nearly totally boring even if you do care about the X-characters. 

You want to know why I call Bendis’ take GotGINO?  Just read this issue.  It’s got Guardians of the Galaxy smeared across the cover – but inside it’s anything but GotG.  In the “pseudo-cosmic” universe of Bendis/Brevoort/Loeb/Alonso, only the Marvel big-seller headliner characters are important.  Everyone else is just a supporting character.  Bendis pretty much tells you in how much esteem he holds the cosmic characters when he has the Guardians of the Galaxy make only cameo appearances in their own book!

You know what else really bothers me about the pseudo-cosmic universe created by Bendis, Brevoort, Loeb, Duggan, and Alonso?   They think any cosmic character is inherently funny just because they are space-centric – and that’s the mark of silly, campy, BAD storytelling in general and bad “cosmic” or “science-fiction/fantasy” in particular.  They want to turn Guardians of the Galaxy into a space farce – simply because the characters live and work in space.  They take a Norse God, a WWII super-soldier, a billionaire inventor, and mutants who shoot destructive energy beams out of their eyes (where does that kind of energy come from anyway?) totally seriously and give them heavy dramatic stories.  But if it’s an alien that looks like a tree, and in the past has been portrayed as both highly intelligent and a magnificent warrior, they reduce him to idiot level and have him try to bang a real tree for some cheap laughs from the imagination-challenged zombies who are so far gone that they actually think Bendis’ GotGINO run is worthwhile.   If it’s a humanoid cosmic character (e.g. Starlord), they have said character act like an idiotic, bumbling nerd who couldn’t get laid on a bet.  Tell me – would anyone be celebrating Captain America: The Winter Soldier nowadays if it had been written and played like the 1960’s Batman TV series? A campy farce deliberately making fun of comic books?  I think not.  That day has long passed, and it passed quickly even back in the 60’s.  So why, Brevoort/Bendis/Duggan/Loeb/Alonso/Young, are you reducing cosmic to the level of farce now?  Why?  Because – as I’ve said from the start – none of them understand science-fiction/science-fantasy.

The art and coloring are certainly acceptable – nothing to write home about.  The art and coloring have always been the best parts of the Bendis/Brevoort/Loeb/Duggan/Alonso/Young pseudo-cosmic universe – but I liken it to putting lipstick on a pig.  It makes the pig look a little better, but you still don’t want to kiss it. Unless, of course, you’re an imagination-challenged zombie and/or you’re Bendis/Brevoort/Loeb/Duggan/Alonso/Wacker/Young – in which case you’re first in line at that kissing booth.

Just when I thought GotGINO couldn’t get any worse, Bendis steps up and pushes it down to rock bottom.

It’s very clear that Bendis doesn’t have any idea how to write cosmic in general and Star-Lord, Rocket, Groot, Drax, and Gamora in particular.  The Guardians are really just used as generic supporting characters for the X-Men – just as they’ve been used as generic supporting characters for the Avengers in several past issues.

With the exception of Rocket – whose rendering leaves much to be desired – Pichelli, Immonen, and Ponsor give us some pretty, colorful pictures that resemble the Guardians of the Galaxy of old (even though I still resent Star-Lord being de-aged by about 10 years).  Unfortunately, Bendis has extracted the heart and soul of the team.  It’s the perfect American product – all style and no substance.  It’s sad really.  Volume II of this book had the style and substance of greatness – but Alonso, Brevoort, and Bendis threw that away in favor of a “Guardians of the Galaxy in Name Only” Volume III made to appeal to children and Avenger-zombies/X-zombies with the mentality of children.  Unfortunately their strategy worked in terms of sales as the zombies keep buying it – so, sadly, we’re in for a lot more of this GotGINO because the exact wrong message is being sent to Marvel.  To them, the sales figures say that this is what comics buyers really want.  I say – it’s apparently what the zombies want – including the handful of cosmic-zombies who’ll buy anything with Guardians of the Galaxy smeared across the cover.  It isn’t what the true cosmic fans want.  Let’s hope that Bendis has to give GotG up to focus on Star Wars now that Marvel will be taking over that franchise.   When he turns Star Wars into SWINO, that enormous group of fans will give him the (figurative) tarring and feathering he deserves for crimes perpetrated against cosmic.

Pretty much nothing happens in this issue except for Scott Summers and Star-Lord’s catharsis about their daddy issues.  What is this obsession with daddy issues?  Are you trying to work something out for yourself Bendis?  If so, please take it up with your analyst and stop inflicting it on the rest of us.  Invite Loeb, Alonso, Wacker, and Brevoort along.  Maybe you can get a group discount.

Of course, more characters return from the dead with no explanation as to how.  Yes – I’m talking Corsair and the Starjammers.  Don’t get me wrong – I ‘m happy to see the Starjammers alive and well.  They and Magik are really the only X-characters I care much about.  I just resent every dead cosmic character being inexplicably resurrected EXCEPT Rich Rider and, of course, Mar-Vell, Genis-Vell, and Phyla-Vell.  Apparently – if you’re a cosmic character and there’s more than one “R” or one “L” in your name, Marvel has some sort of rule stating that you can’t be resurrected.  Not that I want Bendis to have anything to do with resurrecting Rider or any of the Vell’s.  But I would like to see a truly capable cosmic writer (e.g.  DnA, Starlin, Giffen) tell those stories.

Save your money on this one guys.  The GotGINO barely appear in their own book – and when they do they don’t do anything of consequence.  They’re really just Butlers for the A-list X-characters.  Besides, this one is a snooze-fest even by Bendis standards.

Well – I have to begrudgingly give this issue a “best of the worst thus far” nod in Bendis’ entire garbage of the galaxy run.  But – that’s only because I have a weakness for old-fashioned “Bad Girls,” and this issue focuses on Gamora and Angela going berserk and killing everything in sight in a real “up close and personal” way.  The fight scenes and near over-the-top viciousness of these two Bad Girls would have been like a walk down memory lane if only the violence had been a bit more graphic, and the viciousness had really achieved over-the-topness. 

For the first time, I felt like Bendis got Gamora’s characterization right.  I’d also have to say the same about the characterization of the rest of the team; though viewing Star-Lord’s atrociously redesigned uniform did kind of wet blanket the moment of seeing his glimmer of correct characterization finally manifest itself.   Never fear Bendis-zombies and Avengers-zombies – I’m sure Bendis just accidentally fell bass ackwards into getting the characterization right, and next issue Rocket will be back to desperately trying to find a catch-phrase to shout, Star-Lord will be back to channeling Adam West, and the rest of the team will be once again unrecognizable caricatures of their former selves.

The interior art and coloring are vast improvements over the last two atrociously illustrated/colored issues.  What can be said about the cover?  Sigh.  Gamora and Angela were beautiful.  Star-Lord’s illustration was beyond awful. His uniform looks like something from a cheap Japanese cartoon, and his hair looks like somebody dropped a bowl over his head and scissor-cut around the perimeter.  Hey Bendis/Maguire – the mop-top went out in the 60’s!  Pathetic.  And what’s with the smug, self-satisfied little Burt Reynolds smile and chin tug?  Is he really suggesting he’s going to bag one of the babes on either side of him?  Really?  Not this version of Star-Lord.  He might bag Squirrel-Girl – but Gamora and Angela are way out of this Bendis-fied version of Star-Lord’s league.  Now Inglehart’s and DnA’s version of Star-Lord is an entirely different story.  Both at once would’ve been a definite possibility.

And no letter’s page!  What a relief not to have to suffer through anything Wacker writes.  And this should be one of his last issues.

Hey Bendis – do us all a favor and leave GotG to more capable hands.  I’m sure you’ll want to add the Star Wars notch to your belt.  Why not move on and get started on that early?  If you think us Marvel Cosmic fans have been tough on you – just wait until the Star Wars fans start reacting to your situation-comedy-ing of their favorite universe.

I didn’t think it could get any worse.  I was wrong.  It could and it did.

You know one of those situation comedies that you occasionally watch a few minutes of as you flip through the channels and think to yourself, “How did this trash ever get on TV?”  Guardians of the Galaxy #9 is kind of like that.

It’s literally written like a bad situation comedy.  Bendis is trying to be funny and he thinks he’s writing snappy dialogue between Star-Lord and Rocket or Star-Lord and Agent Brand.  In actuality, it comes across as forced, silly, and totally out of character for all concerned.  Yes – Rocket, Quill, and Brand are all smart-asses and their smart-assy-ness can be funny if it’s done right.  In this case it isn’t done right.  It’s like fingernails on a chalk-board.  It’s like silly “G-rated Family Hour” TV comedy.  It’s nauseatingly stupid and hackneyed.  It talks down to the readers.

Of course, all the Guardians do is act as a second-string team to clear the way for the all powerful and all wonderful Avengers to return to Earth and save the day.  Literally – that’s all they do.  The Guardians just act as door men for the Avengers.  And once the Avengers get back to Earth, they start ordering the Guardians around as if they’re second-raters.  Between Loeb/Wells/Duggan writing all Novas as second-rate or less to The Avengers and now Bendis turning the Guardians into second-rate or less flunkies for The Avengers, I’m starting to get the idea of exactly where cosmic stands in the eyes of Marvel Editorial (as if I didn’t already know).  It bodes ill for the future of Marvel Cosmic as long as it’s in the hands of the so-called “creative” teams of Brevoort, Wacker, Alonso, Duggan, and Bendis.  Hey geniuses at the “House of Ideas” – even if you (mistakenly) believe a character/team is “second-rate” or even if they are in fact second-rate you SHOULD NEVER write them that way.  It makes them look like they have a self-esteem problem.  It makes them look unimportant or only marginally competent.  It turns off readers (ie your CUSTOMERS) and makes readers turn elsewhere for entertainment.  Surely you’d like a few more high sellers to bolster all your Avengers titles as inevitably those sales will fall someday.  Let another team shine in their own corner of the universe far away from Earth and The Avengers – you know, like Guardians of the Galaxy USED TO BE prior to Bendis/Wacker and like Nova USED TO BE before you Lo(e)botomized and NINO’d it.

Even the “action” scenes are lackluster and hackneyed.  You’ve seen this story before – in a couple of Star Wars scenes.  Of course, Bendis’ wholly inadequate understanding of SF is limited to popular SF so it’s no surprise he’d “borrow” those scenes. 

Star-Lord and Rocket basically blunder through the situation all to just press a button and lower the force field so the Avengers can get through.  There’s none of the brilliant tactical skills for which both are notorious.  And Bendis just can’t seem to move beyond treating Rocket as a “joke” character.  He has to keep pointing at Rocket and shouting, “Hey!  This is hilarious!  It’s a raccoon carrying a gun!  Get It?!  It’s funny I’m telling you – FUNNY!!!!!!!”  At least he didn’t attempt to inflict any more catch phrases on poor Rocket this time out.  Thanks for that one small favor, Bendis. 

So Bendis, since you don’t seem to get it – let me tell you.  You don’t have to keep underlining that Rocket is a gun-carrying Racoon.  We all get that joke because it’s inherent to the character.   The best way to write Rocket is to IGNORE the inherent joke and write him as an intelligent, insightful, brilliant, smart-assy tactician and leader of men.  By the way, that’s the best way to write Star-Lord, too.  Star-Lord is not a 20-something feckless imbecile with boyish good looks designed to make the teenage girls swoon.  He’s an approaching middle-aged complex, grizzled, irritable, intelligent, leader of men.  So quit mangling the characterization and get it right for a change.

I know that various comic book snobs at a particularly Craven Bootlickingly Repugnant website’s forums will insist that the art/coloring in this book is absolutely heavenly.  Of course, they’d also defend in like manner a book with art/coloring of the quality typically found on the refrigerators of parents with pre-school-aged children.  While Francavilla’s art/coloring is certainly not refrigerator quality, I will say that it is not well-suited for cosmic.  Drax is slightly more defined than a green amorphous blob – but only slightly more defined.  There’s very little definition to distinguish among the facial features of most of the humanoid characters.  The villains are interchangeable and so poorly defined that I couldn’t tell who or what they were other than just random humanoid-like creatures shooting at the protagonists.  The coloring is jarringly un-appealing to say the least.  For certain books, this art/coloring style would work well.  This is not one of those books.

At least there’s no letters page so we’re spared any grating comments from so-called “editor” Stephen Wacker and we’re spared from carefully selected letters full of fawning praise from persons who have never read Volume II of GotG (aka The REAL Guardians of the Galaxy rather than Bendis’ Volume III cheap imitations).

Once again, I’m sure the Craven Bootlickingly Repugnant website and the Ingratiating Gonad-less Ninny website will fall all over themselves praising this garbage of the galaxy.  But of course, they’re just like Marvel Editorial in only being satisfied with repetitious super-heroic fantasy and failing to appreciate the better quality super-heroic military science-fiction such as that found in Annihilation, The Thanos Imperative, Nova Volume IV, and Guardians of the Galaxy Volume II.   Maybe there is something we can all agree on though.  I think Bendis would be happier writing family hour TV sit-coms for the Disney Channel.  For his own personal satisfaction, let’s all encourage him to move on to the TV sit-coms and leave cosmic to someone else who actually likes and UNDERSTANDS cosmic and the cosmic characters.

Bendis’ “Dark Reign” of Marvel Cosmic continues with the travesty that is GotG #8. The characterization is just bad. That’s all there is to it.  Either Bendis doesn’t understand the characters or he’s hell-bent on creating the perfect antithesis of DnA’s vastly superior characterization. Whatever his motivation may be, he apparently doesn’t understand that what

So Drax is a drunken buffoon, Gamora is an easily beaten incompetent in need of rescue, S