Road House 2024 Review: Garbage Movie

The new Road House movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal directed by Doug Liman written by newbies Anthony Bagarozzi and Chuck Mondry is complete garbage and is an insult to the 1989 film and the legacy of Patrick Swayze.

It’s so bad it’s on par with Madame Web and Zack Snyder’s Rebel Moon.

The alarm bells were first going off when they were going with the woke version starring Ronda Rousey. Well, they switched it up and instead brought in Jake Gyllenhaal who plays a character more akin to Marvel’s Moon Knight, some sort of f’d up sociopath who seems to have PTSD and is a few beers short of a six pack upstairs. That’s okay, the madder he gets the stronger he gets. He’s the f’n Hulk, too.

As I tweeted, Gyllenhaal must be broke AF to have taken on this role. Also, a word to Doug Liman: This movie would have had massively tanked in theaters and only deserves to be watched “free” on streaming. Whatever exec made the call to yank this from theaters saved everyone a bundle.

Speaking of execs, so whose bright idea was it to do a remake of Road House??? You could actually argue that this is a completely different movie than the 1989 classic, so why not just call it something else? Oh yeah, I know, because some bozo exec thought it would be a good idea to try to highjack the original thinking the free promotion would benefit the reboot. Nope. Just the opposite.

I knew it was all downhill for this version of Road House when, at the start of the movie, Gyllenhaal gets stabbed and just sits there and does nothing about it. He’s got a four-inch blade stuck in his abdomen and acts like it’s no big deal. Why? Because he’s a tough guy.

Okay, from there he takes the job as the bouncer, beats up the bad guys, then drives them to the hospital? Why? Because he’s f’n Moon Knight and he’s all f’d up in the head and that’s his “good guy” persona. Oh, we found out why he got stabbed and it didn’t matter, too, it’s so the writers could connect Gyllenhaal’s character to Daniela Melchior, because they couldn’t think of a better way to do it.

And that’s what is really going on with the movie, the writing is so awful they came up with all these shitty bits to drive the plot.

I’ll also fill you in what is going on: Some bozo exec thought it would be a good idea to try to capitalize on the UFC’s audience, so they came up with this garbage plot (and again thought it would be a good idea to hijack the original). Well, the bozo exec has no respect for the UFC or its fans and that explains why this movie is so bad. In the bozo’s exec mind, the UFC fans and fighters are a bunch of dumb fks, which is illustrated throughout this whole movie.

SPOILERS FOLLOW

Case in point (spoilers): The writers didn’t know what to do with the end, so they had Conor McGregor’s character kill Ben (Billy Magnussen), then “Enter Sandman” hits, then Moon Knight kills McGregor. WTF? Or how about that one bad guy that gets eaten by the crocodile, or when there is a fight in the bar, some guy just stands up and says, “Bar fight!” — and then everyone starts fighting? The movie is more like a goofy slap stick comedy — was that the intention?

What else? How about when Ben is on the boat at the end and it crashes into the Road House and he flies up in the air into the bar? WTF?

Or how about when Gyllenhaal goes to meet Ben on the boat when he is told Daniela Melchior’s character has been kidnapped and then that guy, Sam, punches him in the face, and Jake is just like taking it all in? And then later on, Sam is told to take down Jake, and Sam is all of a hundred pounds soaking wet? It was hilarious.

Speaking of soaking wet, how about Conor McGregor? The dude is lucky to be 5’2″ and he’s walking around the movie like he’s 6’4″ 250, lol. Don’t quit your day job, bro. So what happened in that one scene when McGregor was driving the student driver car? Why wasn’t he driving his lambo?

Then at the end of the movie, everyone is dead inside the bar and people are like, “Are you open?” and she’s like, “Yeah, we’re always open.”

Also, how come Ben simply just didn’t buy the bar? Or offer to buy the bar and keep Frankie on in some capacity?

Again, this movie should not have been called Road House or had any association with the original. It still would have been a bad movie, but it would have made things a lot more tolerable.

This gets ONE STAR (out of ten) from me as it’s dumb AF but at least it had some cool fight scenes to an extent.