The Marvels Review: Fire Kevin Feige

The acting is horrible, the directing and editing are horrible, the special effects are horrible, and most importantly, the story is horrible.

The acting is horrible, the directing and editing are horrible, the special effects are horrible, and most importantly, the story is horrible.

The Marvels Review: Fire Kevin Feige

Back in 2019, I wrote about how diversity will destroy the MCU, and I was 100% right.

I wrote the article in September of 2019 following the release of Captain Marvel, an atrocious movie, and Avengers: Endgame, a pure fan service flick filled with lots of cringe. I knew what was coming because they did it to the Marvel comics first.

Here we are four years later and the Marvel Cinematic Universe has been completely destroyed.

Tonight with the Thursday previews, The Marvels debuts, and it’s hideous.

Fire, Kevin Feige. This all happened on his watch. I’ve actually been told all the garbage that has infected Marvel comes from Disney, but this all happened with Kevin Feige as the boss. Even if what I am told is true, get a backbone, and tell Disney to go fk themselves. I hope Ike Perlmutter retakes Disney and cleans house.

the marvels movie

The Marvels is horrible

Just about everything about the film is atrocious: The acting is horrible, the directing and editing are horrible, the special effects are horrible, and most importantly, the story is horrible.

What happened to good storytelling? There is none of that here.

The Marvels starts off by dropping you into the middle of something that most people probably have no idea what is going on. It’s a direct continuation of the least-watched Marvel series on Disney+, Ms. Marvel.

The Marvels in itself basically feels as if it’s simply Ms. Marvel Season 2 as it continues the story of Kamala Khan, who guess what? Is made to be even more OP than she was in her own series.

It took them about half the movie to explain the story, but the premise isn’t bad (really, the only thing I liked): A Kree wants revenge on Captain Marvel for destroying her planet 30 years ago. In order to get her revenge, she needs the NEGA-BANDS (more on that below) but somehow, never explained, Kamala Khan has one, which causes Kamala, Carol, and Monica to switch places (why didn’t they switch with Dar-Benn???). Dar-Benn uses the bracelet to open portals to steal natural resources from other planets: air, water, and energy.

In doing so, she destroyed those planets, right? They didn’t seem to make that clear and toward the end when Dar-Benn was seemingly dying, I was shaking my head how they were trying to save her.

Didn’t she just FK’n commit mass genocide on a multiple PLANETARY level??? WTF? Instead we got “TWINSIES!” Therein lies the problem. They could have ditched all the goofy shit and given us a cool cosmic space opera war movie, but instead it’s “TWINSIES!”

Update: Upon further thinking about the story, I think it was a big mistake to include Ms. Marvel. The character is too goofy and kiddish. They had to waste too much time bringing the audience up to speed who didn’t watch the Disney+ series. They also should have gone with “Captain Marvel 2” as the title. They were much better off having Brie Larson be the star of the movie. Captain Marvel 2 could have started out with the flashback of Carol as the Annihilator destroying Hala. Then the sequel would have been about her path to redemption. Monica should have also served as the Nick Fury role and been Carol’s contact with Earth.

the marvels villain

Zawe Ashton as Dar-Benn

Regarding Dar-Benn, she has to be the worst villain I’ve ever seen in my life. Zawe Ashton is not right for the role at all. The character doesn’t come off the least bit intimidating, frightening, or powerful. The hammer didn’t look good or match up with the actress who looked all about 90 lbs soaking wet. Hardly a threat (Brie Larson looked way to skinny, too).

How about her #2, the only white dude in the movie? He’s some out-of-shape do-nothing bum with a man bun. What’s Feige’s infatuation with man-buns?

The Kree are just as awful. I’ve seen better cosplay. There’s no way they spent $200 million on this flick. The costumes, make-up, and sets are terrible. Someone at Disney needs to hire a forensic account to find out who stole the funds. The scene where Carol reignites the sun and the Kree are looking on as she does it looks as if it was filmed on the Bay behind Comic-Con.

iman vellani ms marvel the marvels

Kamala Khan Ms. Marvel Iman Vellani

Three words: cringe as fuck.

This character has been forced down our throats for a decade now at the expense of much better characters. Her comics have failed multiple times. The video games have failed. The Disney+ series failed. This movie is failing. Why is Ms. Marvel still getting pushed on us? Where are the Muslims? Isn’t that who the character is supposed to be representing? They sure as fk aren’t showing up to watch this garbage character or buy the video games or the comics.

Iman Vellani plays the part well, which is simply to play a cringe character, who constantly says, “Oh my, god!” over and over again and gawks at Brie Larson.

Question: Why the fk didn’t Carol or Monica simply take off the bracelet from Kamala and use it themselves? The end sees Brie wearing one of the bracelets so why not remove it from Kamala? Yeah, it makes sense to let a high schooler use something that is the equivalent of a weapon of mass destruction. Hello.

marvel nega bands
Captain Marvel using the Nega-Bands switches places with Ric Jones

Are they the Quantum-Bands or Nega-Bands?

Regarding Ms. Marvel being even more OP in The Marvels, in her series Feige makes her cosmic, magical, an Inhuman, a mutant, an oppressed political refugee, and everything under the sun.

In The Marvels, it’s revealed she is even more OP as FK as Kamala has one of the most powerful artifacts from the comics, the Quantum-Bands. But are they the Quantum-Bands?!

Can anyone at Marvel Studios actually read the comics or at least do some homework? They are the Nega-Bands! The Nega-Bands in the comics actually are a Kree artifact and involve the original Captain Marvel who guess what?! Could switch fn places!

quasar quantum bands
Wendell Vaughn Quasar with the Quantum-Bands that doesn’t switch places with anyone

Wendell Vaughn Quasar wears the Quantum-Bands

The Quantum-Bands are the bands worn by Wendell Vaughn Quasar — which can’t be f’n removed!!! They can’t be slid off, given to whoever, and whoever does wear them, has to pass the test to continue to wear them! A test to see if you are worthy! It would be like anybody wielding Thor’s hammer. Quasar and the Quantum-Bands also come with a set of rules set forth by Mark Gruenwald who gave them out to fans for free who wrote in to Quasar! Read them here!!!

Even posted an entire article dedicated to the Nega-Bands prior to The Marvels!

Recall how these idiots at Marvel Studios also created a replica of the Infinity Gauntlet for the first Thor movie but it was the wrong hand! Imagine that! And these clowns are supposed to be creating comic book movies???

monica the marvels

Teyonah Parris Monica Rambeau

I wanted to like the character of Monica Rambeau but I was watching also shaking my head at this character.

Isn’t she supposed to be a “Captain” in some sort of elite military space organization? I thought she should have been more serious but she seemed to lean more toward goofy. Reshoots anyone?

The special effects also looked HORRIBLE when she was flying. Have the VFX workers been on strike all along, too?

What also bugged me was the goofy ass dance scene. There is a part, where I think it was Prince Yan, who tells her she needs to lighten up or smile or something. I was like, ‘that doesn’t fit at all.’ And her reaction, too, was like, ‘Huh?’ I think the dance scene saw major edits as rumors actually said Feige was supposed to cut it. Dude, the scene sucked, the singing was awful and the song(s) were terrible. Dua Lipa Dance The Night Away this was not.

Speaking of not being fit, how about following the dance, Monica Rambeau is shown as winded and tired? Huh??? Again, isn’t she a part of an elite military space organization? Then again, Samuel L. Jackson just sits on his fat ass the entire movie, so maybe the elite military space organization is a bunch of elite out-of-shape scientists.

Or how about they couldn’t give Monica a code name? They went through the list of names she is associated with in the comics but she kept saying no for some reason. Then they come up with Professor Marvel? What? And a big fk no to using Nova! (they also mentioned the World Mind, I believe or referred to world minds — keep Feige the fk away from Nova!!!).

brie larson the marvels

Brie Larson as Captain Marvel

Zero personality. Absolutely unlikeable. OP AF.

What has she been doing since Avengers: Endgame? She is just sitting around with her cat she is allergic to doing a whole bunch of nothing? In the 30 years it has been since the first Captain Marvel, it’s like no time has passed at all.

Talk about a huge missed opportunity. Instead of continuing from the crappy Ms. Marvel series, the start of the movie could have featured some sort of epic scene involving Captain Marvel saving a planet or something showing us all the hero she is and has become. Instead, she’s a friendless mopie loser no one likes. Oh, yeah! I forgot! She’s a cat lady!

Brie Larson is an Oscar-winning actress and she is being completely wasted in the MCU. I’ll also say the first Captain Marvel movie was light-years better than this mess.

Regarding the cat, did they ever explain how all those brain-eggs got into the space station? Guess it was the Goose laying the eggs? That was unbelievable how dumb as fuck that was. That’s the best they could come up with? I’m still shaking my head.

samuel l jackson nick fury the marvels

Cringe ending

So the flick ends with a huge cringe spit-in-the-face of every MCU fan scene involving Ms. Marvel and the new Hawkeye.

It’s a rip-off from the end of Iron Man where Nick Fury asks Iron Man to form the Avengers.

This scene in The Marvels shows Ms. Marvel apparently forming the Young Avengers (recall how Captain Marvel also retcons The Avengers forming because of Carol Danvers).

Oh, and Hailee Steinfeld, let Josh Allen have some breathing room (Go Bills!)!

ms marvel cringe

Post-credit scene

I wish the scene wasn’t spoiled ahead of time, as I wasn’t even looking for it, but it was posted to Twitter.

I really don’t have much of a reaction, again as it was spoiled for me, but the audience in the theater erupted learning it was Beast.

My impression seeing it on the big screen is that the CGI looked pretty bad.

I also thought upon seeing the Variant of Maria that maybe that is the reason Monica wasn’t given a codename, but I still can’t see why one can’t be Photon or Spectrum, or even that maybe Maria in the Fox Marvel Universe is actually another Captain Marvel.

I don’t know what happened to Marvel but it’s clear the success of previous years had nothing to do with Kevin Feige. You’ll note the MCU fn sucks now that Favreau, Whedon, Gunn, and the Russos are gone. There is nobody at Marvel Studios who gives a fk about comic book movies. That’s facts.

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